#relationshipconfessionstories 1 [eng translated.]

[English Translation]

hi my name is tulip, im 21 years old and currently studying. these are my stories on how my exes forces me to involve into some shit that had happened and it still haunts me till these days.

it all started when i first dating this one guy, i was 17 at the time, and he (let's called him R) was 16. it went pretty well until he started to make jokes about having sex, or oral sex. he started to ask for nudes, threatening to leave me if i didn't. i was very naive at that time and i thought if i gave it, he will stop asking for it. but, it doesn't stop there.

he ONLY text me whenever he needs nudes. he'd force me to be naked when we're having a videocall and he'd get mad when i rejected it. R even threatened to leak my nudes if i ever rejected his request again, and im pretty sure he did showed my nudes to some of his friends back in the days..

im scared and idk where to run. so i just, agree to it. when we're at the school, he'd ask me to go back a bit late and R would force me to make out with him. technically, we don't have sexual intercourse but i remember him forcing me to kneel and shove his d**k into my mouth even after i said no, and ejaculate himself and then leave me there by myself.

we eventually broke up because he found another girl and i was traumatized so much, that i cry every night, i feel so disgusting to myself, i felt like everyone in my town knows about what he did, i felt like everyone is disgusted with me. when i finished highschool, i continue my studies. i thought i could start a new life and starts a whole new chapter. but no.

i met a guy, let's called him F. F is a very respected person at his learning institute. everyone loves him, the lectures also love him. at a glance, you'd see him as a reliable person. he's the same age as me, 21 this years. F was the one i thought was gonna help me with my trauma and my fear. but not long into the relationship, we have to do LDR, and that's when things change. i told everything to him abt what happened between me and R.

after that day, he literally would joke abt asking nudes from me, and how he want to fuck me so bad if we get the chance to met. and that's the thing. everytime he was on holiday, he'd invite me to his parents house(the parents wasn't there), only for him to satisfy himself. one night, i said no to him. like how i rejected R's offer, i did the same thing. i told him that im scared and i just wanna sleep.

he still forces me, touching me in place, convincing me that it's okay then he try to put in his d**k inside me, i was abt to cry and he immediately stop and only ejaculate himself infront of me. and that's it. his only purpose to see me was only to satisfy his needs. while everytime he's away, he's cheating on me for several time. at first i was like, am i the victim?

i don't have anyone to talk about it, i literally struggle to keep my head straight, there's a few time i just wanna go OD myself with pills, or just kill myself. i feel so disgusted by myself, and yet these exes never apologize what they did to me. they never realized how much traumas they've caused in my life.

i have to live in fear, knowing that they would tell people

"oh this girl, ive seen her naked mantap sial" or "check this out, her nudes. very easy la this girl".

i have to deal with these thoughts alone. because the only thing that they care was how will they use my body to satisfy themselves. the scar that they left would always bleed until the day they got their karma and finally admit that they had done something wrong and had ruined someone's life.

yes i know how some people judge the victim by saying,

"just reject la, cakap tidak jakla pahal sik pande nak nolak" or "you also want it bah, sex you regret is not rape".

that is why im still so scared to expose this to people that know them, and let them learn their lesson. i hope this story of mine would be shared and i hope it would make people realize how much fear we have, that we have to go through in order to be heard. im in verge of tears while writing this, but im glad that this platform exist. :)