Updated: Aug 11, 2020
I still blame myself. Whenever I think about it, I can’t help but beat myself up. We weren’t “together”. He was after me but multiple times, in various ways I’ve made a point that I wasn’t interested. I just wanted to be friends. But maybe it was the way I responded or the way I treated him that gave him the wrong impression. Maybe it was because I couldn’t bear to lose our friendship that made it seemed like I was giving him hope. I treated him the same as I’ve treated my other friends but maybe he thought we could be more. I am a huge hugger; it’s a known fact that I tend to gravitate towards friendly physical affections.
However, I get highly uncomfortable whenever he touched me especially because I knew what he was after. It wasn’t anything explicit exactly, just hugs and holding-hands, but...not the comfortable types..... Countless times he had put his hands around my back or caress my arms, and it was incredibly uneasy. It was as though he was marking me as his possession. The first few times, I told him off and gave various excuses not to touch me, but he got upset with me; the really angry, tears out, aggressive rage kind of upset. He had threatened to sever ties with me and brought up that I hugged other people, but I didn’t let him hold me. It was petty but I was spooked. I’ve used our other friends as barriers but that only worked for so long. He knew that I was too soft- hearted to continue upsetting him. So, he kept on touching me as though he owned me, and I despised that. But I was too afraid to cross him again that eventually, I just let it be.
Oftentimes, when I didn’t act the way he expected me to, he would guilt me and say that’s not how I was supposed to behave – that’s not the “version” of me that he knew. He also had this habit of insulting and putting me down just so he can prove to me that I need him in my life. Whenever I couldn’t do something and asked him for help, he’d make sure to use that opportunity to point out that’s the exact reason why I should be with him, because he will “complete” me.
People who saw us would misunderstand our interactions, they’d think that we’re an item, that I’ve reciprocated his advances, or they’d even say that he kept touching me because I allowed him...Little do they know what took place before which led me to just...concede. Every time he touched me, I squirmed and wished it wasn’t real, that it wasn’t happening. I might be smiling but honestly, I felt like skinning myself wherever he touched me. There was this one time, he hugged me and whispered in my ears that he can’t wait for me to be his so he can do whatever he wants with me. That moment, I froze. I was filled with so much fear that I became numb. There was something in the way he said it that scare me.
Till today, I still think about that moment and it haunted me like a ghost. I blamed and still blaming myself for letting this happen to me. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t my fault he was after me but, I can’t stop condemning myself. I know this was supposed to be #bukansalahkamek and here I am blaming myself but, this is my story. I believe this is my first step of healing...to understand...and to believe that it certainly bukan salah kamek.